There comes a time after the end of a relationship when you begin to ask yourself a question. “Why do I miss him so much when he was so emotionally unavailable, when he lied to me and when he cheated on me?”
Many women assume this means they’ve made a dreadful mistake, they think maybe they’ve ‘got it all wrong’. They convince themselves that perhaps it wasn’t that bad after all; that they did have some fun times and if we could ‘just get those back, maybe it’s worth giving him another chance’.
But often, what you miss isn’t him at all. What you’re actually missing is the version of him you believed existed. You miss the man who made promises about how beautiful your future together will be. The man who did show you tenderness, affection and vulnerability, at times. The man you caught glimpses of during the good moments and hoped you’d eventually see more of over time.
You fell in love with the potential you believed you saw in him. You wanted to help him get over his issues, you loved him, you knew you had enough love for both of you. Perhaps you knew his childhood had been difficult or believed his story about his ex being ‘toxic’. You felt for him; he’d had a hard time and you were prepared to make allowances for that.
You held tightly to the belief that underneath the lies, excuses, emotional withdrawal or hurtful behaviour was the person you thought he could be. You explained away the red flags because they didn’t fit the story you had created about the man he was underneath. The man who would eventually appear once you’d loved him enough.
The difficulty is that hope can keep you attached for a long time, even after reality has shown you something very different.
When someone repeatedly demonstrates who they truly are through their actions, you have to pay attention. Love isn’t built on promises; it’s built on consistency. Trust isn’t formed through the words of repeated apologies with no change in behaviour. Trust is built gradually over time, when words match actions, apologies are sincere and bring about self-reflection and change.
The mind often amplifies the fantasy version of the relationship after it’s ended. You remember birthdays, holidays, special moments of connection, such as when your children were born. At the same time, the mind minimises the confusion, loneliness and self-doubt you experienced alongside them.
Grief can be deceptive.
You’re grieving not only the relationship you had, but the relationship you thought you were going to have. You’re mourning future plans, imagined memories and the life you believed was just around the corner if only things improved.
That doesn’t mean your love wasn’t real. It means your hope was real. The truth is painful because it asks you to let go of the illusion that one day he would become the person you wanted him to be. Healing begins when you stop arguing with the stark, painful facts of the reality of your relationship.
You don’t have to hate him. You don’t have to erase the good moments. But you do have to acknowledge the whole picture. It’s like finally the jigsaw pieces all fit, even though the real picture isn’t quite the one you’d imagined was on the box. Missing someone doesn’t automatically mean they belong in your life nor does it mean your feelings are all ‘wrong’. It simply means you’re a normal human being.
Once you see the reality, you begin to let go of hoping for them to change. You see with clarity and you stop chasing something you realise now was an illusion. This is when you create space for you to stand back and observe future relationships more clearly. You begin to focus on what’s real in the here and now moments and take time for relationships to develop through honesty, reciprocity and emotional safety.
You deserve to be loved by a true authentic person-rather than an imagined version based on hope and empty promises.
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Write two lists – on one side write down who you believed he was. On the other, write down who he consistently showed you he was through his actions. This exercise can feel uncomfortable, take your time, take deep breaths and tell yourself you are safe right here, right now. Writing these lists helps you separate the version you hoped he was and the reality.
When you find yourself focussing on your highlights reel with him and you are missing him, gently remind yourself of the whole picture, not just the best parts. Ask yourself: If I met this person today and they are exactly as I now know them to be, would I choose to enter a relationship with them?
Spend time reconnecting with hobbies, friendships and activities that may have been sidelined while your focus was on him and the relationship. Investing in yourself is a powerful way to recover from this relationship.
What Next?
My coaching is designed to help women rebuild their confidence, trust their instincts again and make decisions from a place of clarity rather than fear. You don’t have to navigate this journey on your own.
